i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
