I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
