then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
