I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
