i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
