We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
