trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
