how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
