Soap is not a condiment
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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