anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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