I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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