Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
