the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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