How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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