Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i've created a new STD.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
