a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
