i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
