Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the day after is always just damage control
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
