so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
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