Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
