i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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