I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
