I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
