So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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