If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
