who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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