i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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