you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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