Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
