I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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