one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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