My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
