I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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