Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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