1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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