i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
