Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
