If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
