i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You were trust falling into bushes
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
