Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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