Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
