Pregnant stripper...not hot.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
