Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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