He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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