ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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