is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
