So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize