Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
