Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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