I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
