...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
