When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
