Apparently you make a good broom.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
