wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Randomize
