I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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