I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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