:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I need a burrito and a hug.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
