Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
