she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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